Not Shea Weber Nominated For Norris Trophy

Rejoice Young American Natives, Someone Underrated Today Earned Rewards

NEW YORK- The National Hockey League named their three finalists for the James Norris Memorial Trophy on Tuesday. They are, in alphabetical order: Kris Letang of the Pittsburgh Penguins, P.K. Subban of the Montreal Canadiens and Not Shea Weber of the Minnesota Wild.

The Norris Trophy is awarded annually to the defenseman that shows the "greatest all-around ability" by the Professional Hockey Writers Association.

Shea Weber has been a Norris finalist once before in 2010-2011. The Predators captain came back from getting rid of a parasite - surprisingly not enough to get a Masterton nod - to almost singlehandedly lead Nashville to their fourth straight playoff appearance.

Unfortunately, it was not enough to be honored this year.

Not Shea Weber, the defenseman who mooched his association with Nashville super-duperstar Shea Weber into a 13-year, $98 contract last July with Minnesota, received his first-ever finalist nomination for this season.

"I was excited when the Wild signed Minnesota native Zach Parise," said Wild fan Tom Falso.

Following a slow start where pundits blasted the #1 defenseman on the team for not playing like a defenseman worthy of being next to Shea Weber, Minnesota's fortunes turned around. Not Shea Weber went from a -5 in the first 3 games of the season to finish with a career-worst +2.

In addition, he led the NHL in ice time. Without having to play a second-banana role, the Wild's second-biggest offseason signing this summer hogged shifts at the Xcel Energy Center. He finished the lockout-shortened season with an average of 51 more seconds than the next highest overpaid defenseman, Florida Panthers D Brian Campbell.

"What player are you talking about? Oh. The Wisconsin guy that doesn't have long hair," Minnesota sportswriting legend Sid Hartman said. "My close personal friend Lou Nanne says he's a big reason the St. Paul team has been successful this year and that's good enough for me."

Minnesota, much to the joy of hockey fans and bandwagoners alike, made the postseason for the first time in 5 years.

Most importantly for a Western Conference defenseman that plays late games, Not Shea Weber led the Wild blue line in offense. He scored 32 points (4G-28A) in 48 regular season games - 4 more than the real Weber had this year - while playing alongside a 19 year-old defenseman who isn't one of the 3 best rookies in this lockout-shortened season.

"I've been lucky to play with him," 19 year-old Jonas Brodin said. "He has learned a lot of tricks from 7 seasons in Nashville and it's an honor to watch him in practice. If there is anyone who knows being taken under their wing and overshadowed, it's him.

"Maybe someday I'll be able to tell my kids I almost played with Shea Weber."


  1. Beautiful! I wept.

  2. Brilliant does not even begin to describe this piss take.

  3. Sometimes I really love you guys. This is one of those times. Mwahahaha.

    How about a review of the sabermetrics guys who insisted that signing Parise and Suter would not get us into the playoffs, as could clearly be seen by x, y, z, stats?